“Make that motherfucker tell you he story before you let him hit da’ crack pipe.”
“Yo man! Have some respec.” His yellow jaundiced eyes darted around the room. “Back before most of y’all wuz born I wuz impotent, I got a promotion and a pardon together, I, I uh , I… let me hit that pipe and I tell y’all about dat.”
The disheveled old black man put a lighter to the glass, and life came into him as he inhaled. The pipe and lighter were quickly pulled from his hands by the thick she-boon to his left. Powered up by crack he surveyed the garbage strewn house like he was a king, and the half dozen crack-blacks were his subjects.
“I was engineer for da’ Tesla rocket…”
“C’mon Nigger!” The room erupted in simian anger. “That bullshit Quantavious! You couldn’t engineer your ass!” They laughed at him but the old crack-man continued eloquently.
“The Judge done tell me I had to get a job and they sent me and some other niggers right from the court to the Tesla factory…” Again laughter and jeering erupted. There were sirens from the robo-police in the distance, same as every night in the hood.
“I says ‘ I here to work, the court sent me.’ This funny chink looking dude introduce he self. He say to me ‘Hello Quontavious, my name Elon Musk, don’t bother even to fill out your application.’ He then be like ‘What job you want?’ I say ‘I clean the motherfucker I guess.’ The other niggers were nodding their heads, cause that what we all assumed; we was gonna’ be janitors and shit.
“He say ‘Yo, nothing like that my nigger, you gonna’ be scientist!’ He have fire in his eyes, he grab me tight and show me the stars. He point up and say ‘The sky the limit for you boy! You black, you got magical black power in your African brain. You gonna’ build me a flying pyramid just like your ancestors the black Egyptians did.’
“We be looking at him like he crazy. Elon Musk got mad and pull out a flamethrower. Poof! He torch the nigger next to me. That nigger be burning and run right out de’ door around de’ parking lot, flaming and screaming and shit. Burned my black elbow. This was no joke. Mr. Musk point the flamethrower at us and say ‘You niggers are gonna’ work for a change. Now build me a flying pyramid or I’ll light you up!’ He touch off a little burst of flame, and we be off to work, we wasn’t waiting to be told twice.
“We run to our desks, and start to think fast. We was mighty scared! I don’t know how we did it, but before long, we invented the very first battery operated automobile!”
The crackheads were spellbound by this tale of African achievement. The sirens from the robo-police were getting louder. Suddenly the door burst open, and there stood Elon Musk with his flamethrower.
“Quantavious! You devious old escaped slave, I’ve found you at last!” Musk closed the door behind him and took 2 steps into the crackhouse. The crackheads couldn’t believe their eyes.
“That’s right, I tracked you with a surgically implanted radio beacon. I always knew that one day I would need you again.” The high-tech mogul was agitated.
Quantavious the old crackhead felt like he should say something, but Musk sensed it and cut him off before he started. “No time for your nigger nonsense. The cops are after me; they want to lock me up for tax evasion. With your help, we will invent a portal to the 5th dimension, where they will never catch me! Hahahahahaha!!”
He was tweaking, they was tweaking too. The half dozen blacks stared up at Musk with cracked up eyes, sparkling and dull at the same time. They half got where Musk was coming from but would still rob him, except for the flamethrower he carried. They laughed and jeered at him. He continued to the sound of the robo sirens, roaming near and far.
“How do you think I invented all those batteries and cars and rockets!?! With white science men?” He shook his head ‘no’ slowly, the crackheads did the same. “I used black brains, Quantavious can tell you, he invented the Tesla, once I showed him his potential. Him, and my other slave engineers.” Here Musk tapped the trigger guard of his flamethrower for emphasis.
“What we gotta’ do, Mr. White man?”
He addressed the She-boons. “You remember when they put the white man on the moon. They had the astronauts, they had the rockets, they had the science, but they didn’t have the math! For that they needed 3 black math women.” Red and blue lights flickered, briefly illuminating the dark room. All eyes were on Elon Musk.
“Man, you full of shit nigger!” quipped the brother to the right of Quantavious.
No sooner had he finished mouthing off than Musk turned him into a ball of screaming fire with his flamethrower. He ran out the door to the street.
Musk now paced, “Who’s next!?!, or do you want to get to work?”
“We wants to work!” the Afro-Americans chimed.
“You want me to do science Mr. Musk?” Queried Quantavious.
“No Quantavious, I need you to keep filling the crack pipe. You see, 3 black women did the math for a trip to the moon, but where I’m going, the 5th dimension, I need 5D math, I need the black women brains to be powered by crack.”
They worked hard thru the night. The girls worked furiously, using the calculator aps on their smart phones. They burned massive amounts of crack; Mr. Musk insisted. The lights and sirens from the robo cops came and went from all directions. The crack house smelled like a bleach fire. Quantavious refilled the crack pipe at high speed. They were working so hard they didn’t notice how much they coughed.
First light came, and they were almost out of crack. With the dawn, they smoked the last crack, and like a miracle, the math was done! They all stared in wonder at the portal to the 5th dimension.
“Mr. Musk, are we all going to the 5th dimension with you?”
Elon Musk answered with his flamethrower. He laughed an insane laugh as the flaming she-boons ran out the door to the street.
“Can I come with you to the 5th dimension Mr. Musk?” pleaded the ripe and musty old Quantavious. The sirens were getting louder.
“No Quantavious, you must stay and teach them the error of their ways. Use your black man wisdom.” With that the hi-tech entrepreneur billionaire tax fugitive laughed and disapeared into the portal to the 5th dimension.
The flashing lights were right outside now. The robo cops said “You are surrounded. Come out with your hands up. Repeat, surrounded, there is no escape. Come out with your hands up.”
Lightning fast Quantavious reprogrammed his smart phone into a ray gun. He aimed it at the door and waited for the cops.
THE END